My Campaign For Presidency

I am officially announcing that, as of today, I, the Coach(c), am running for President of the United States. I look at the field of so called candidates and find it in desperate need of a different kind of participant. I will not be the candidate of change, I will not be a moderate.

I am the candidate of the newly formed conservative party. As our party embarks on its first election, I want to insure you, the voters, I will uphold our parties founding tenants. We will defeat the socialistic slide in which our Country has begun. We will shrink our government dramatically, we will remove the enemies of our nation and we will bring back Happy Days.

Tonight, I want to share just a few of my plans as your next president, and I want to introduce you to my running mate.

I have chosen, as my Vice President, Big Dave. One thing stands out about Big Dave, he laughs at all of my jokes. I need that kind of symmetry in my White House. Now on to the issues.

I promise to replace our current income tax system with a 10% flat tax applicable to all tax payers making more than $21,000 (single) a year or $35,000 (family) a year. This will eliminate the need for the IRS. I will replace this bureaucracy with Bob from account temps. I've heard his commercials and he seems to be a real go getter. This will save approximately $7 billion a year in administrative costs to our government.

I also will eliminate the department of energy. Quite frankly, I have no idea what they do.

I will eliminate the department of education. This will be the sole responsibility of the States.

I will eliminate any funding for National Public Radio. I am selling it's assets to Rupert Murdock. It will be called National Private Radio.

I will eliminate the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It's time for the FBI to stand on it's own two feet.

On the military front, I will immediately remove all troop deployments from Europe. We will also be leaving Korea. Good luck guys, not our responsibility. We will also be removing our troops from Iraq and redeploying them in Israel. Finally, we will be "expanding our presence" in Cuba. Think of it as an inappropriate land grab.

We will remove all limitations of drilling for oil in Anwar, Alaska and along the coast of the United States. We will "claim" any oil platform being used by any other sovereign state in the region.

WE WILL build a gigantic wall along the border with Mexico. NO INGRESS OR EGRESS ALLOWED. Yes, we are going to become "those neighbors". Those aliens here illegally will be found and thrown back over the wall.

Please let me know if you will support my candidacy.