BAD, BAD, BAD

WARNING: I'm about to scold a bunch of you parents.

OK people, listen up. I am absolutely sick (no pun intended) and tired of you people that let your kid go to church, school or other social functions when little Suzie is carrying some funky stomach virus, flu or some other infectious plague. I spent Wednesday night, or I should say Thursday morning, cleaning barf out of the carpet because some irresponsible parent didn't do the right thing and keep their precious kiddie home when they were sick. Those of you that ever knowingly participate in this practice should go through a FULL body waxing and then have to soak in an alcohol bath. I shouldn't have to be cleaning pasta shells out of the shag because you don't want to do your job. It's time for you lame butt caretakers to man up and do your job. BE SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"?

But it's only a "penny for our thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool LANE?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever participated in the legalism that today's churches/denominations have become. Tim sent me a link to a couple of articles today that have shamed me. Some have laughed at these write ups but for me, I'm simply embarrassed.

Baptists and Baptism

Church of Christ and Music

I'm sorry that we have let His church become a secular club with rules we humans have created. I'm sorry we have lost the message of the old and new testaments that we are first to LOVE GOD and secondly LOVE OTHERS. Our churches have become the equivalent to the Moose Lodge with our initiation a simple dunk in water. We have lost the meaning of baptism, we have argued over our type of praise, we have put our focus on buildings and forgot that God dwells in our hearts. I fear we have put ourselves at risk with the Holy Father by ignoring his call for our hearts and nothing more. Shame on us for allowing this. Shame on our leaders for not stopping this.

To anyone who has been hurt by church legalism and dogma, I'm sorry.

Who Cares??

Recently, Susan Surandon made a promise, similar to the one that Alec Baldwin once made, that if John McCain is elected president, she will move to another Country. My question is, who cares? Actors like Suranden, Baldwin, Sean Penn, Jane Fonda and the like seem to feel empowered to tell us what is right and how we should think. Are they more educated? Are they more experienced in politics? What is there value? Well Jane Fonda once sat on a cannon of a North Vietnamese Tank. Penn recently met with the dictator Hugo Chavez. These people look at the shallow press they get and believe because they can effectively play pretend they have some superior knowledge and vision. Look, I'm holding Surandon to her word. I hope she moves to Venezuela with Penn and Chavez. Our Country would be better with out them.

My Campaign For Presidency

I am officially announcing that, as of today, I, the Coach(c), am running for President of the United States. I look at the field of so called candidates and find it in desperate need of a different kind of participant. I will not be the candidate of change, I will not be a moderate.

I am the candidate of the newly formed conservative party. As our party embarks on its first election, I want to insure you, the voters, I will uphold our parties founding tenants. We will defeat the socialistic slide in which our Country has begun. We will shrink our government dramatically, we will remove the enemies of our nation and we will bring back Happy Days.

Tonight, I want to share just a few of my plans as your next president, and I want to introduce you to my running mate.

I have chosen, as my Vice President, Big Dave. One thing stands out about Big Dave, he laughs at all of my jokes. I need that kind of symmetry in my White House. Now on to the issues.

I promise to replace our current income tax system with a 10% flat tax applicable to all tax payers making more than $21,000 (single) a year or $35,000 (family) a year. This will eliminate the need for the IRS. I will replace this bureaucracy with Bob from account temps. I've heard his commercials and he seems to be a real go getter. This will save approximately $7 billion a year in administrative costs to our government.

I also will eliminate the department of energy. Quite frankly, I have no idea what they do.

I will eliminate the department of education. This will be the sole responsibility of the States.

I will eliminate any funding for National Public Radio. I am selling it's assets to Rupert Murdock. It will be called National Private Radio.

I will eliminate the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It's time for the FBI to stand on it's own two feet.

On the military front, I will immediately remove all troop deployments from Europe. We will also be leaving Korea. Good luck guys, not our responsibility. We will also be removing our troops from Iraq and redeploying them in Israel. Finally, we will be "expanding our presence" in Cuba. Think of it as an inappropriate land grab.

We will remove all limitations of drilling for oil in Anwar, Alaska and along the coast of the United States. We will "claim" any oil platform being used by any other sovereign state in the region.

WE WILL build a gigantic wall along the border with Mexico. NO INGRESS OR EGRESS ALLOWED. Yes, we are going to become "those neighbors". Those aliens here illegally will be found and thrown back over the wall.

Please let me know if you will support my candidacy.